Emo Philips, an American comedian known for his eccentric style and offbeat humor, has left an indelible mark on the world of comedy with his unique wit and unconventional jokes. His distinctive blend of absurdity and intellect has earned him a dedicated following and cemented his status as a comedic icon. Here are 50 quotes that capture the essence of Emo Philips, showcasing his humor, insight, and unparalleled comedic brilliance.
1. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
2. “I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.”
3. “I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.”
4. “I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, ‘Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.'”
5. “I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”
6. “I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”
7. “I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.”
8. “I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.”
9. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.”
10. “I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.”
11. “I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”
12. “I’m not religious. I’m spiritual. You know, like a fruit.”
13. “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”
14. “I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.”
15. “Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
16. “I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, ‘Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.'”
17. “I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ‘I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.'”
18. “I’ve got to get me a new chair. This one hurts my back. Of course, my old one did too. But I have a very high tolerance for pain.”
19. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
20. “I got a sweater for Christmas. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.”
21. “I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)… and says, ‘Here, you can go.'”
22. “I was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said ‘Help Wanted,’ so I ran in and said, ‘What’s wrong?'”
23. “A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back, it said, ‘Wish you were here.'”
24. “I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”
25. “I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”
26. “I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”
27. “I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot stepladder with a coat hanger.”
28. “I asked the girl if she could sing, and she said, ‘I don’t know. Why? Can’t you hear me?'”
29. “I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘This is nice!'”
30. “I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”
31. “I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”
32. “I have a friend who’s a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
33. “I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.”
34. “I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream because they don’t know I’m using blanks.”
35. “I like Minnesota, where the timbers are titanic, and the Vikings are reminiscent of the era when they had some good football players.”
36. “I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”
37. “I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.”
38. “I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream because they don’t know I’m using blanks.”
39. “I like Minnesota, where the timbers are titanic, and the Vikings are reminiscent of the era when they had some good football players.”
40. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
41. “I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”
42. “I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”
43. “I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”
44. “I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot stepladder with a coat hanger.”
45. “I asked the girl if she could sing, and she said, ‘I don’t know. Why? Can’t you hear me?'”
46. “I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘This is nice!'”
47. “I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”
48. “I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”
49. “I have a friend who’s a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
50. “I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.”
Absurd And Offbeat Humor Quotes By Emo Philips
1. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
2. “I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.”
3. “I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.”
4. “I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.”
5. “I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.”
6. “I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”
7. “Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
8. “I got a sweater for Christmas. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.”
9. “I was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said ‘Help Wanted,’ so I ran in and said, ‘What’s wrong?'”
10. “A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back, it said, ‘Wish you were here.'”
Playful Wordplay And Wit Quotes By Emo Philips
1. “I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, ‘Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.'”
2. “I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”
3. “I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.”
4. “I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”
5. “I’m not religious. I’m spiritual. You know, like a fruit.”
6. “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”
7. “I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”
8. “I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream because they don’t know I’m using blanks.”
9. “I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”
10. “I’ve got to get me a new chair. This one hurts my back. Of course, my old one did too. But I have a very high tolerance for pain.”
Observational Comedy And Satire Quotes By Emo Philips
1. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
2. “I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”
3. “I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.”
4. “I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream because they don’t know I’m using blanks.”
5. “I like Minnesota, where the timbers are titanic, and the Vikings are reminiscent of the era when they had some good football players.”
6. “I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”
7. “I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.”
8. “I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream because they don’t know I’m using blanks.”
9. “I like Minnesota, where the timbers are titanic, and the Vikings are reminiscent of the era when they had some good football players.”
10. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
